The Many and Unique Ways Women in Business Build Community

Preparing for a workshop with friend and colleague Elizabeth Kuylenstierna

If you are a woman in business, have you ever noticed how often you may start talking with another woman in business about an issue or concern, and suddenly you find yourself offering - or accepting - advice, guidance, help or offers of collaboration- for free? 

When I look back over the past 9 years since I started Namaqua Consulting, there are multiple occasions where I have made friends across the country or across continents, where I have shared techniques and approaches, coached and been coached, and entered collaborative and nurturing relationships with other women with nothing more than the desire to see each other do well emotionally, spiritually and financially.

Why is this, and is it unique to women?  Part of me says ‘no’, in that I have also met some wonderful businessmen who have also shown a genuine interest in offering help or guidance, but 9/10 times, it is with other women.  From other HR or OD professionals, to women in book clubs or mothers whose children are on the same team, women naturally seem to be better at acting intuitively and making connections without the expectation of return. 

Yet there may be an underlying reason why this difference does occur. I was reading an article on the Psychology Today  blog in which the author of the article, Emma M. Seppälä Ph.D  mentioned the work of Shelley Taylor of UCLA, in which “Taylor found that the 'fight or flight' response is characteristic of men whereas women tend toward a different tendency: 'tend and befriend.' Women faced with a stressful situation are more likely to respond by socializing, bonding with others and seeking protection and nurturance within a community.”

While many small business owners have joined networking groups where making referrals or making lenient offers of discounts is the expectation at the price of membership, women seem to be naturally attuned to do this as part of our role as community builders and nurturers.  And what is more, it makes us feel good about ourselves, and this is healthy for us! It also builds on the temptation to return the positive intention.

There is a growing body of research on this topic, which shows that the pleasure systems in our brain are activated when supporting others.  According to the work of Australian positive psychology expert, Dr. Tony Grant, giving also '"integrates you more solidly and cohesively into your supportive social networks", making it more likely you'll be surrounded by a support network the next time you need help.  

While the tangible value of this shared experience, service and insight is one thing, a real intangible is that frequently in these interactions, there is also a lot of positive reinforcement of the qualities and abilities of both the giver AND the receiver. As a woman, I am always the first to undermine my own experience and influence, yet time after time friends and other business women remind me of exactly how much I have achieved, how experienced I am and what I can offer - and for a brief time I come to realize that it is true!  And I know many of them feel the same way.  Giving in this way is not only about sharing knowledge and expertise, but giving the priceless gift of collaboration, support and friendship. And I sincerely believe that women can do this because of the congruency of their intention and action.