Passive Aggressive Behavior – Understanding and Managing it in the Workplace

In the Radical Collaboration world, we talk of three different kinds of working environments:

While the Red and the Green Zone may be obvious in how they show up, the Pink Zone is equally powerful, and just as destructive as Red Zone thinking. Essentially, two words sum up the Pink Zone, “passive aggression”, but many hours and emotional frustrations result in its expression!

Why does it show up, and how can you deal with it when it does?

There are many reasons why people can become or act in a passive aggressive manner:

1. They feel powerless or voiceless, and this is a way for them to have impact.
2. They do not enjoy conflict and perceive deeper interactions with others as having the potential for conflict.
3. The politics of the workplace may dictate that it is unsafe for them to speak out especially if it is against a superior or a well-liked colleague.
4. The management style of the company is such that open communication is discouraged, or that bad behaviors are not managed.
5. Competitive behaviors with colleagues if they feel inferior.
6. They feel resentful for perceived or actual slights.

Whatever the reason is, the behavior can be extremely destructive, both in terms of morale as well as in sabotaging the success of your team or your business. Amy Rees Anderson’s 2013 article in Forbes Magazine “Passive-Aggressive Behavior Will Destroy a Company’s Culture” talks of how quickly passive aggressive behavior can permeate an organizational culture, referring to it as a painful ‘cancer’ that spreads as employees become increasingly despondent.


So what can you do when you begin to notice this kind of behavior in your organization or team?

• The first step is to understand that this behavior is a form of aggression, and employees typically only act aggressively if they are feeling threatened in some way. Identifying some of the concerns of that employee is the first step in preparation of a deliberate strategy for preventing repetition.

• According to the American psychologist Will Schutz Ph.D, who developed a theory of interpersonal relations and the Firo B tool, people share three basic needs: to feel Significant, Competent and Likable. At the same time, they fear feeling Ignored, Humiliated or Rejected. His theory goes on to suggest that these needs can be analyzed across three levels of human interaction: self-concept, feelings and behavior, and that self-concept and how we feel about ourselves, influences how we feel about others, or about situations we may find ourselves in, and this drives how we we behave in a situation.

• So how we feel about our own significance is influenced by how included we feel (perceived), and how included we want (desire) to feel. How we feel about our competence is influenced by how in control we feel, as well as how much control we want to have. And lastly, how open (personal) or private we are with others, versus how open or how private we want others to be.

• The second step is to address the issue directly with the individual. And it starts with your tone, and your intention to create a positive change in your interaction with that person, voicing your opinions respectfully, and taking accountability for the impact of both your intended and unintended actions and communication with them.

• You have a better chance of success if you clearly communicate your desire to collaborate or work more closely with them and make your intentions consistent with your actions so that your message cannot be misconstrued.

• It also requires your being able to really listen, without agenda, and with time, to what it is that they are expressing so that you are able to find the emotional catalyst for what it is they are expressing. Use this as an opportunity to use your emotional intelligence to recognize and manage how significant, competent and likable you make the other person feel.

• What is important is that you are also in control and accountable for your own emotions in this interaction, and realize that there may be triggers that this person is hitting which are your own, not theirs, which touch on your need to feel significant, competent or likeable.

• The third step is to find ways to agree or shift the relationship. Pay attention to the responses you receive, and find ways in which you can create value for this person by finding options that will meet your mutual interests. This may meant that you end up transferring more (or less) ownership or control of a project to the other person, or that you find a way to acknowledge or include them- or to give them more space. And it may also mean that you find ways to let the other person know about how you feel about their role and the importance of their role, experience and input.

• Whatever you end up doing, it is important however, that you are perceived as being congruent in your delivery, where your nonverbal behavior is consistent with the message you are delivering, including your tone of voice and body language. And that you are prepared to keep talking by not passing up opportunities to be more curious in the conversation, and to listen more than talk.

• Understand that you may not be able to change this person’s behavior, and that you are not responsible for their choices, but do be aware that their behavioral patterns are deep rooted, and in a sense, are their way of surviving stress, anxiety and insecurity. So be prepared to forgive quickly if you see movement and open and receptive to opportunities for keeping open dialogue, perhaps by being open about your own fears and perceptions. Be authentic, supportive but consistent.

Most importantly, it is good to remember, that when dealing with passive aggressive situations, we judge others by their behaviors, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.  What if we were more curious about their intentions, than focused on their behaviors?